The Noble Tribune
Harry Patterson
In an unprecedented move, meteorologists across the globe have unanimously agreed to classify rain as “passive-aggressive weather,” citing its unpredictable nature, ill-timed arrivals, and general moodiness.
Dr. Misty Drizzle, a leading weather psychologist, explained the decision in a press conference earlier this week. “Rain doesn’t just ‘happen.’ It waits until you wash your car, plan an outdoor wedding, or finally hang that laundry outside. It’s not a coincidence—it’s a statement.”
Reports of rain’s passive-aggressive behavior have been piling up for years. One survey found that 78% of people believe rain intentionally starts the moment they leave home without an umbrella. Additionally, 62% of festival organizers claim they’ve been “personally targeted” by downpours, with one stating, “It’s like the clouds see us setting up speakers and decide, ‘You know what? Let’s ruin their lives.’”
Rain’s antics have led to the rise of a new profession: Weather Therapists. These brave individuals are working to mediate between humans and Mother Nature in hopes of fostering a more cooperative relationship. Sessions typically involve shouting at the sky, followed by group therapy where participants share their traumatic experiences of being rained on just after checking the weather app.
Meanwhile, the rain itself remains unapologetic. In a rare public statement, a spokesperson for rain (a cumulonimbus cloud named Carl) said, “It’s not our fault humans don’t carry umbrellas. Also, we’re tired of being blamed for things like ‘ruined hair’ and ‘wet socks.’ Have you ever tried holding in several million tons of water? Didn’t think so.”
Despite its prickly reputation, some argue that rain isn’t all bad. Gardeners, for example, describe it as “a moody but reliable friend.” Ducks, too, have thrown their full support behind the weather phenomenon, with their spokesperson, Quackers McPond, stating, “Rain gives us purpose. Without it, we’d just be weird chickens.”
Still, critics argue that rain’s timing remains suspicious. Just this morning, local resident Karen Puddles reported that it started pouring the moment she opened her front door. “I even whispered ‘Don’t do it’ to the clouds,” she lamented, “but they did it anyway.”
As global complaints mount, some nations are considering legal action against rain. One proposed bill, the “Umbrella Act of 2025,” would require rain to give a 24-hour notice before showing up. However, meteorologists warn that enforcing such regulations could anger other weather patterns, like wind, which has already been described as “highly vindictive.”
Until a resolution is reached, citizens are advised to stock up on umbrellas, invest in waterproof shoes, and prepare emotionally for rain’s next ambush. After all, as Dr. Drizzle put it, “You can’t reason with weather. You just have to learn to live with its attitude.”
Stay dry, stay skeptical, and remember: the sky is always watching.
